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Following a year that most of us chose to erase from our collective memories, the morning of January 1st provided just the right cocktail of determination and nausea to kick start a period of sober reflection. You and every self-respecting person you know have been booze-free for a staggering 11 days. With puritanical zeal, you kicked the bottle to the curb and you haven’t looked back. You are more attractive, kinder to strangers, and more tolerant of your shrill and demanding children. The world is your oyster and, to paraphrase Lady Obama, the only limit to the height of your achievement is the reach of your dreams and your willingness to remain sober for them.

With everyday tasks like jogging before sunrise now easily within your grasp, here are some excellent Dry January goals for you to aim for:

1. Become a Shaolin Monk

In recent days your concentration levels have skyrocketed and your constitution is like iron: you are ready to endure the spiritual and physical demands of the technique of Shaolin. As your head begins to clear, the physical world appears as smoke on water and your dependency upon material possessions like luxury pocket squares and pre-Brexit Toblerones finally disappears. Should you fail, book our extraordinary Shaolin Monk Performers to show you how it’s done.

2. Take up calligraphy

The shakes are a thing of the past and your handwriting, once a childish scrawl, is now beautifully legible. Unfortunately, your diary still reads like a shopping list and your opinions, subjected to proper scrutiny, now seem cretinous and disconnected from reality. Don’t worry! Contraband has a wide array of expert calligraphers available to turn your tedious inner monologue into a thing of elegance and finesse.

3. Become a Victorian

Since taking the pledge, you have become a politer and more dignified member of society. Your facial hair is less unkempt; your sense of restraint and moral purpose are stronger; and your tolerance for crime and idleness is at an all-time low. Let’s be clear, the Victorians weren’t perfect but their appetite for self-improvement and natty headwear was immense. Our fantastic selection of Victorian Stalls and Games will bring some good clean fun to your event, or book our Temperance Society to regulate your party!

4. Celebrate in style

When the month draws to a close and your body and spirit have achieved a one-ness with nature comparable to a wizened old oak or a pebble smoothed by the lapping of a gentle tide, it’s time to jack it in and order an Aerial Champagne Waitress, because you’ve earned it ;
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